sept 2, 2016
in spring 2015, someone stole my tampons. i finally get to the bottom of it in this thorough investigative essay that has already won several journalism awards
may 21, 2016
"chelsea martin continues to prove herself the preeminent chronicler of internet age malaise and I fucking love it." - lena dunham
aug 9, 2015
my book mickey will be published by curbside splendor next year >:-)
jun 30, 2015
my oeuvre is curently being featured on awst press
jan 28, 2015
buy a copy of introduction to hand modeling to change your life
dec 23, 2014
lena dunham likes my book so much she compared it to doritos on wall street journal
sept 11, 2014
proud that my premature death has been prophesized and honored in this anthology
june 14, 2014
i have comics in this art show at helen day art center in stowe, vermont june 20-sept 1.
oct 20, 2013
next month i'll be filming a documentary about ee watching sex and the city for the first time in her life while we drive/train/bus around the east coast/midwest. between shoots i'll be promoting my new book. **filming schedule**
july 17, 2013
you may now preorder even though i don't miss you and i'm not sure why anyone would decide not to do so
july 14, 2012
my comic heavy-handed is being published on the rumpus every other wednesday, which may seem like a puny schedule for a simple comic, but just try to get a grip
january 8, 2012
i'm reading at an "uncomfortable sex talk" reading on saturday january 14. anyone really uncomfortable hearing work that's based on my sex life should come! ex-lovers? current boyfriend? mom?
september 10, 2011
ugh everyone can tell i'm full of shit.
september 9, 2011
housefire declares me an art star. i think they used the term 'art star' loosely but that's not gonna stop me from acting like an asshole about it.
february 21, 2011
sometimes i look at my couchsurfing profile to remember how old i am. i don’t know why i trust it because it always says i’m logged in from "highland park" which i don’t even know what that is.
january 20, 2011
junior prom is a short film that was written by me and directed by riley michael parker.
december 11, 2010
short review of da new book in january issue of NYLON
december 7, 2010
started a design company called universal error
december 2, 2010
i accidentally snorted splenda when i was trying to pretend to snort real sugar.
december 1, 2010
i'm writing something called universal themes that anyone can relate to. read an excerpt of it on the fanzine, along with several pieces by other poets.
november 3, 2010
my book of stories, the really funny thing about apathy, will be released tomorrow. i know in my heart that it's basically as good as any paula deen cookbook. the best place to buy it is sunnyoutside. release party is november 14 at royal nonesuch gallery in oakland.
august 12, 2010
don't forget to buy your $ fifty dollar ticket $ to the seminar i'll be talking at on the 23rd. wouldn't wanna miss all the sarcastic looks stephen elliot and steve almond give each other as i speak riiiight?
march 10, 2010
my review of josiah wolf's comforting and reassuring breakup album is on the fanzine
febrauary 13, 2010
tao lin's thoughts about mcdonald's is impossible on the poetry foundation website
february 11, 2010
i'm reading in michigan soon. i'm thrilled. i've never actually been "thrilled" before. it's a more relaxing feeling than i would have guessed based on the representations of "thrilled-ness" i've seen portrayed in popular media.
february 5, 2010
i’ve made a chapbook called what i want and what i want. i can’t say anything about what it’s about or what i was thinking about while writing it because that’s in the past and i’m trying to live only in the present because i heard it makes life happier. if you buy it i don’t know what i’ll think because that will be in the future which also doesn’t count as the present.
december 15, 2009
tom cruise is the only other person who talks about himself as much as i do.
november 21, 2009
interview on the rumpus. its full of timeless and inspirational quotes from me such as "i'm not a narcissist" and "i'm pretty sure i'm not a narcissist" and "i like parties." (for the record, though, people who insist that they are not narcissists are usually really hot.)
november 2, 2009
oh nothin much just gotta new book forthcoming
october 26, 2009
i'm reading on nov 9 for the rumpus and wholpin's hate to be alone. ummm, its $10 to get in, which is my little way of saying "you poor people mean nothing to me" and elegantly shaking my perfectly-styled hair away from my face.
sf bay guardian hype
august 15, 2009
i'm masturbating in a way where i might die. please call ambulance if i don't update this again soon.
june 20, 2009
the rumpus reviewed everything was fine until whatever in a way that makes me feel really trashy. they compared my characters to harmony korine's and said, "chelsea martin is a happening waiting to accident." ...like a meth lab explosion?
june 2, 2009
FREE LIVE POETS XXX HOT POET GIFS BARELY LEGAL ISBN
may 29, 2009
you can win a copy of my book if you win this contest.
may 27, 2009
i'm very excited to be doing this reading with my two favorite pieces of the internet. mike young will be 5'10", brandon gorrell will be faking severe mental illness (as usual), and i'll be premenstrual. and we will all be saying 'haha' instead of smiling and 'hahaha' instead of laughing.
may 3, 2009
it's so easy
april 16, 2009
i'm reading in LA this weekend.
february 28th, 2009
preorder everything was fine until whatever, please.
february 15, 2009
just kidding about that last thing. i was way too busy on valentine's day to be releasing any books. learn more about everything was fine until whatever on this informational page.
november 20, 2008
october 22, 2008
i did a lot of drugs last weekend and now things that i used to think were just okay seem really good to me. plain butter is one. sam pink is another. i know its gross to eat butter without attaching it to another food. i know sam pink is a terrible person and shouldn’t be encouraged. but some of the more resistant brain cells are dead now.
september 23, 2008
i'm not selling dream dates anymore.
ok i am. but only to the desperate and lonely.
september 1, 2008
i contributed to the world by making the cover art for a book of poetry. what did you ever do? (i'm sorry, yes, i hate my internet persona, too)
august 25, 2008
hello my name is chelsea martin im a poet
august 1, 2008
if you think i'm going to write personal email responses to all those no colony offers, you can forget it. blake butler owns my heart and my condoms.
july 30, 2008
if someone buys me a copy of no colony, i will send them this box of 240 (completely unusable for actual sex) condoms! perfect for putting on your feet like socks or something! for two copies of no colony, i will unwrap each condom and put peanut butter in it and send them to you that way. for three copies of no colony, i can do raspberry jelly instead of peanut butter. sexy?
july 26, 2008
to the easily convinced: purchase your copies of see you next tuesday: the second coming. it is more than available. i am in it and kevin sampsell and blake butler are in it and they are my friends and matt furie did the cover for it and he is a babe.
july 2, 2008
the cheese melted then burned.
wait, that isn't significant.
june 30, 2008
come sleep on my couch, azshoels.
i'm inviting you.
may 20, 2008
well, theres an indifferent little review about dream date on KQED's website. i didn't really know i was that weird.
april 30, 2008
dream date is in diet soap #2. dream date is overextending itself. this is the official end of dream date's world tour. good job, dream date.
april 29, 2008
my friend william schultz made a website. i'm extremely and sincerely proud of him.
april 21, 2008
i've been given oulipean affirmation kinda and italo calvino asked me out on a date. should i wear something?
april 4, 2008
new drawings : )
march 17, 2008
this is stupid i love you
march 15, 2008
there are new interviews up in the personal questions section of this website. 'up' as in 'posted,' not like 'erect.' not everything is a sexual innuendo, you know.
march 3, 2008
dream date is on pequin and nothing else in the world has changed today.
february 19, 2008
take me to the future!
january 29, 2008
brandon scott gorrell is the new best sliced thing since bread. his blog will crack your life open like a coconut and then you will eat what's inside and start over. i've already done it four times.
december 5, 2007
i just inherited 50,000 condoms. when i first found out, i for some reason heard '50,000 condiments' and made this comment about a potential hot dog party which turned into kind of an awkward situation.
november 26, 2007
buy my chapbooks.
november 12, 2007
yeah, dream date is out on chapbook, but if you're not one of my favorite 10 people, you can dream on. unless i fall in love with you. which i probably will.
november 4, 2007
i'll be reading for hear/say on thursday, nov 15 in macky hall (CCA oakland) at 7pm. i'll be reading from a series of mine called dream date, which means things will be getting pretty sexy. bring your hot single selves.
october 26, 2007
33% of all the email angelbaby received today is hate mail. now i'm so sad and can't stop crying and everything. i wish i wasn't such an "ass hol."
october 21, 2007
it's time to preorder beeswax #4. you're lucky i'm here doing all the thinking for you, dummy.
october 15, 2007
speaking of i $ you, too bad you didn't get a free zine while you could. now you can buy one at modern times books, dog-eared books and needles and pens in san francisco, as well as oakland's own issues if you're gangsta. get this shit while it still stinks.
september 18, 2007
i $ you is in zine form and free at the north/south gallery. get that < 300 limited edition copy worth abuncha money. act now or you may end up with one that has a less-than-admirable staple job. act before now, which was last night, and you can help me put them together, which is a good way to get on my good side.
september 17, 2007
mike topp is the only person aside from me who makes sense. he gave me a free copy of a book i already bought and thought was ok.
spetember 10, 2007
the inappropriate is being published in the next issue of oakland's no-nonsense, mind-your-stews-and-queues lit mag beeswax. geez, what an honor. buy many copies at many local book stores.
august 25, 2007
i had such an awesome partay night last night. me and william and job drank a little of the lot and paid a cover charge somewhere and talked to each other all night. then we came home and they said i could play whatever television show i wanted. NOT!
august 3, 2007
i ate some fancy chocolate yesterday, to induce lucid dreaming, but the only thing that happened was i had a bunch of dreams that my high school friends were making out with my college friends. and in my dreams i kept exclaiming things like "oh brother!" and i woke up feeling really bored.
july 16, 2007
congratulations! today is the one year anniversary of my graduation from those awkward teen years!
june 23, 2007
haha! email my secretary angelbaby_2002, she gets paid to read whatever you send her! haha! what a slut!
june 22, 2007
fact: the average genius browses jerkethics.com ten times every year, in his sleep, and never even realizes it.
may 18, 2007
lindsay lohan themed partay tonight, my house, shannon& clams to cover 'that girl' no sneak previews sorry
april 21, 2007
(update) actually i think you guys are just okay. like i would hang out with you and give you some pastries if i had any, but i wouldn't adopt your kids if you died. let's keep this an impersonal, business-like relationship, ok? i don't want to be tricked into any bff bullcrap.
march 25, 2007
thankyou melissa, max, ian, dylan & william.
i like you guys a lot.
march 1, 2007
i'll be doing a reading tonight at my apartment at 1am. just kidding i'll probably be drunk. just kidding i don't feel like drinking tonight. so i'll be reading, feel free to come over. i have a summer sausage that i'm going to cut up and put on the dining table. for everyone. if you're interested.
january 30, 2007
if you're stalking me, you're doing a pretty good job, cos i can't even tell.
january 9, 2007
i'd like to give a shout out to lauren cohen, who made me realize that i can just eat apples instead of brushing my teeth.