Dream Date

Portions of this can also be found at Pequin

Girls’ Guide to Boyfriends In Bathrooms

You are in the bathtub, lying opposite one another. You start slipping down into the water, but you are stopped by the pressure of your boyfriends foot on your genitals. You realize this is the first opportunity you have ever had to pee on his foot without him noticing.

Deer Grazing

You’re standing in front of a painting of two deer grazing. You’re at home. This painting belongs to you. You see yourself in the deer. You see yourself as one of two. You notice that one of the deer seems to be trying to impress the other deer by grazing in a very sexual manner. You think that this must be the deer that represents your boyfriend; he would totally try to have sex during a meal. “Hahaha,” you think to yourself. The other deer isn’t eating, her chin is just resting on the ground. You would think she was eating unless you looked really carefully, like you are now. And actually, you realize, upon noticing how wide and vacant her eyes are, how shiny and glazed they are; she’s stuffed. A hidden pin holds up her tail. Her fur has clearly been airbrushed, the natural color long faded away. She’s been dead for a long time and no one seems to notice. You remember you need to buy makeup.

Your Only Memory of Him

Your shirt was off and he was smelling the area between your breasts. As he moves his head, the area gets larger and larger until your breasts are at least a mile away from each other and he has fallen asleep between them.

Female Urges That Have To Do With ______________

The two of you make jokes about the local parks and about Bukowski and somehow end up in bed together. By morning, all the quarters are spilled from his jeans onto your bed. You insist they are yours, since you need them for laundry.

Male Spontaneity Equals ______________

You watch a crappy movie with him start to finish. He bites you once, playfully, on the shoulder, and this somehow leads to oral sex. In the morning, his cell phone and quarters are strewn across your bed sheet. He won’t let you keep them, even though he honestly can’t remember if they are his or not, because that’s what Bukowski would do.

Out of One’s Gourd

When you’re only young once, you have to take advantage of every sexual opportunity that arises. Such as: when you discover that his pumpkins are accidentally growing into your squash bed. You can put a fence up. You can reorganize your squash. You can put moist little pieces from your garbage bin under each of his pumpkins so that they might rot from the inside out. But, instead, you think of your waning youth, and you let your vegetables tangle in each other and wait until the very last minute to pick your zucchini.

Aftermath of the 90’s

You send him a text message explaining why you are sending him a text message. “Yr famous,” it says, “want 2 hang out?” He texts you back hours later while you are stealing fountain soda from a Burger King, “Ya OK. Want 2 steal salads from Sizzler or something l8r?” This sophisticated choice in restaurant makes you worry about your class differences, but you meet him at Sizzler and hope there isn’t a theft protection device on the salad bar. You share a plate of pickled beets and chicken wings on the curb three blocks away and have a conversation about music that you only barely have a grasp on. He tries to convince you that something something contemporary alternative something easily applies to rock theory, something something something. You hold firm ground against this concept, and he affectionately calls you old fashioned. You kiss with greasy chicken wing lips and hold hands back to your bicycles, where you exchange chicken salts once more and ride off separately, not looking back.

Insecurities In Cuties

It is Halloween and you and him are making candy apples. You say you can’t eat any because you have some fake teeth, and that they might break on sticky candy. You show him the teeth by taking them out and laying them on the kitchen counter. He then shows you that each of his arm hairs is detachable.

White Water Rapids

You turn the dishwasher on while he is trying to masturbate in the shower.

P.S. Sorry I Didn’t Tell You Sooner

It is the 50’s and you are a housewife. You and your husband are out of condoms so you sneak into your son’s room to find some. You look everywhere but he doesn’t seem to have any. You find a note on his desk that says, “Mom, I moved out four years ago. Love Billy.”

Fantasy Junior Prom Theme

There is a natural disaster of some kind, and all the buildings fall. You get really dirty and scatterbrained, and the sleeves of your shirt rip off, but you aren’t hurt. A lot of people have died, you know, but there are no bodies anywhere. You crawl around the city, gradually losing hope. You find him stuck between a slanted brick wall and a portable toilet. You rescue him. He is the only person you have seen in days. You fall in love instantly.

Female Urges That Are / Legal / Illegal / (Circle One)

You are old. Your daughter has a child, and it grows to be five years old before you realize it is him. This makes you miserable. You know that California lawmakers will never allow you to love him like you want to.

True Love Waits

His fly was down all night and you couldn’t gather the courage to tell him.

Kids’ Guide to Sex (Illustrated with Dinosaur Figurines)

You are him and he is you. You know exactly what he wants because you are usually him, the way he is right now, (you) and pay special attention to those wants. You won’t give it to him, though, until he gives you what you want, which you don’t really know what that is because you’re unfamiliar with this body. He knows what you want but thinks giving it to effortlessly you is unsexy. He wants you to ask for it. Nobody is getting what they want. You think this is unfair.

Stop Hitting On Yourself

You are both invited to an art opening, but you go separately. You arrive first, and you put his nametag on instead of your own. All the women shoot you looks of secret summertime pleasure games. As you are approaching the bathroom, a woman says, “I left the light on for you,” and obvious motel slogan innuendo. You feel nauseous. When you find him, he is wearing your nametag. He asks you if you want to have intercourse. You do, of course, but you don’t want him to win so easily.

His Lies Taste Like Eggs Benedict

You force his name casually into conversation and then you see him at Denny’s. He is with his girlfriend and she is not you. She doesn’t look anything like you. You worry that he had no discretion when it comes to girls. You say ‘hi’ like you are just friends and order coffee. He gestures to his girlfriend that he wants to leave, a touching moment. Without having been introduced to her, you ask him for his uneaten omelet and sourdough toast. This simple request suggests how comfortable you feel with him, how close and naked you had been together. His girlfriend knows this. She envisions the two of you close and naked in this way, and calculates when and where you were, how it happened, and where she had been at the time. You look at her as if to say, “I still have a pair of his boxers, but you can have them back at any time. I feel for you.” She understands this, but still seems unsure about you. You would’ve liked to have taken her aside and explained yourself. You would’ve liked to have taken her aside and made jokes about his penis or cunnilingus technique. She wouldn’t’ve laughed, though, and you wouldn’t’ve become friends. To her, you aren’t on the same team. To her, his penis and cunnilingus technique are serious matters. He weighs his options. If he gives you the omelet, he will essentially be apologizing to you, showing that he knows you are owed something, and thereby admitting he has done something to hurt you. Denying you the omelet, on the other hand, would simply be passive aggression, which he should know is never attractive or clever. You would probably take the omelet anyway, after he left, he knew. Still, the decision is his. The omelet waits. You sip coffee, scorching hot, and don’t flinch.

I Want To Be A Pregnant Teen Again!

We are on your bed together and you think you are going to kiss him. You want to kiss him but you want to say something first but don’t know what. He doesn’t say anything either. You wait for him to touch your boobs.

To Dean or Devo

You make out publicly and then go to his place. His name is Dave, Dan, David, or Darren. In the morning, you thank him for his hospitality. You say you really do appreciate it.

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©Chelsea Martin 2007